She does spot-on imitations. She has a beautiful smile. And she can make you laugh. Oh, she can have you in stitches. And it's genuine humor. Not mean. Not cold. That intelligent, hilarious perspective that comes from really seeing things in the world and understanding humanity. So when we are ignoring it - whatever "it" is at that particular moment - we laugh.
I call it our rebound stage. It's after the storm, but of course that silent storm is still brewing. And we need to regulate again. We need to get her brain as close to fully functional as possible so she can begin to process the latest trauma she has created. Out of dissociation, through aggression, through avoidance, all the way to... well, to "all the way there."
When a danger passes or a perceived threat ends, the brain flips it into reverse and releases biochemicals to bring itself back into balance. The brain is trying to achieve "homeostasis," a state of metabolic equilibrium between the stimulating and the tranquilizing chemical forces in the body. That allows a person to begin the important work of thinking rationally.
And despite my questions about her, I know I can think rationally. So I need this time to be relatively carefree and painless. I can't play warden right now. I can't be distant, I can't even really be firm. This time feels different because I am doing this for me, for my brain, for my biochemicals, for my sanity.
And I'm pretty sure I'm worth it.
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