Syllable and Sound

The brain is wider than the sky,           

  For, put them side by side,           

The one the other will include           

  With ease, and you beside.           

 

The brain is deeper than the sea,

  For, hold them, blue to blue,           

The one the other will absorb,           

  As sponges, buckets do.           

 

The brain is just the weight of God,           

  For, lift them, pound for pound,

And they will differ, if they do,           

  As syllable from sound.

-Emily Dickinson

The role that brain chemistry and structure plays in the life of our attachment disordered children is nothing short of amazing. And tragic. Like many, mine has experienced the triple traumas of brain development: prenatal drug exposure, infant neglect, and infant abuse.





Brain development really starts taking off in the third trimester of pregnancy. From everything we've read, our baby was exposed to crack and heroin at this time, in addition to chronic maternal stress and malnutrition. Maternal factors like this actually change the way that the prenatal brain organizes itself. Some studies have shown that these particular factors directly link to a reduced capacity to handle stress and interact with people later in life. 


Then here she is, new in the world, and surrounded by an atmosphere of chronic stress and dis-regulation. When the bond that is supposed to build attachment is instead a source of pain and fear, the relationship between the limbic system (commonly known as fight-or-flight) and the rest of the brain is poorly organized. The stress response is blunted. The brain endocrine and modulatory systems are affected.  The automatic nervous system is in overdrive, all the time, with neurotransmitters and adrenaline going at full blast. And researchers now think that when the baby brain is this disorganized, it can do nothing but try to reorganize... which means that anything else waits and may be dumped into the muddle in unusual places as well. 


The right brain may be most acutely affected. We see this as the inability to regulate the intensity of feelings. 


This disorganization in the brain also leads to dissociation. Numbing, avoidance, flat affect - it is the human equivalent of a bug pretending to be dead to avoid being squashed. The inside our babies' heads becomes the Chernobyl of brain chemical release.


From time to time I need to read the science. It reminds me of the inherent limitations, and of how much work we have done. As a nation we have yet to restore the Ninth Ward after Hurricane Katrina. But what if Katrina had lasted for four years, day in and day out? How many years would that take to repair? 


The painful part is reconciling this deeply damaged and disorganized brain and endocrine system with this sentient being who is walking around making choices, sometimes choices that hurt me deeply. The painful part is recognizing the enormity of the boulder we are pushing up the hill, without losing faith that she will ever make it to the top. The painful part is wanting a future for her that may not be possible and maintaining faith that maybe, just maybe, an even more amazing future may be possible, and, more importantly, hers. The painful part is wondering how I can even ask her to work on issues this profound and at the same time go to school as if nothing inside was wrong. The painful part is not knowing.


So I consider the words of Ms. Dickinson. And suddenly I realize the magnitude of this gift: the gift of walking beside her as she learns how to carry her own little piece of the weight of God.