It has been three months since my last post.
Most of this is because she left for the summer. She came back in mid-August. Things have been on a steady downhill slide.
I've been thinking about the "Cycle of Abuse." Usually it's characterized by four phases: an incident, followed by reconciliation, followed by calm, followed by a period of tension building. Repeat. You could call that the last 12 years of my life. So here's the hard question: am I just a victim of this child's abuse?
That's right, I said it.
We know these kids are victims. That doesn't mean they can't also be perpetrators. They call it secondary PTSD but it's worse than that. The infliction of pain is intentional. Yes, the kid is mentally ill, but aren't all abusers?
The worst part of it is the realization of what a textbook victim I have become. "Victim feels the need to concede to the abuser." "Abuser blames victim for provoking the abuse." "Victim believes the abuse is over or the abuser will change."
Even as I type this I feel guilty for thinking and expressing these thoughts. But I have these isolated moments of clarity. And I don't like what I see.
I was raised in an abusive home. I don't remember a lot of reconciliation and calm. Seemed like we were in a perpetual loop of tension building and incidents. I was numb to it. I didn't even hate the abuser, most of the time. I just wanted him gone, or dead. I didn't think he had primed me for a lifetime of abusive relationships. Most of my romantic relationships were abundantly loving. But here I am, nearing the end of a decade plus of abuse. So perhaps I did sub-consciously seek it out.
I am very tired. I feel helpless to stand up to my abuser. I feel so much guilt and sadness. I don't know that anyone who has not raised a kid like this can understand what I mean, but I feel confident that most parents of RAD kids know exactly what I mean. So when is enough enough? When do we get a chance to be human again? When is it the right thing to do, not just for ourselves but for the kid, to say "I'm done"?
As a mom to 2 with RAD I just wanted to say that I do know what this feels like. The guilt, the sad, the mad, the fear, the hope. I am often in a cycle of hopefulness to hopelessness with my oldest son. Yet we do see progress and he does get a little bit better so we keep on going on and trying. I think only you will know where your line is and when to move it or not. Please let me know if I can be helpful as you process through this. Best, Dia.
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