Excuses, excuses

I try not to be a "do as I say, not as I do" parent. Now, "Do as I say, not as I did" is a whole different ball of wax - why shouldn't she get the benefit of experienced hindsight? It's present hypocrisy I'm trying to avoid.

So here's the dilemma for the day: How do I tell her that she needs to open up and be more honest and trusting when she has made me close up (more) and be (even) more reserved and less trusting? Strike that. No one makes me do anything. But I have chosen to react to our life together by shutting out the outside world.

Case in point - I have a very dear friend who lives a couple of time zones away. He knows smatterings about my life. That I am living separately from my wife. That the kiddo had a dramatic episode about two months ago and things have been hard since. The health problems. So he emails once in a while and he left me a voicemail last week. I didn't make time to return the call. He emailed and I wrote back with an excuse. He called. I texted. Finally I relented and called him back. I refused to talk about myself. I asked all about him. He was honest. He tried to turn the call back to me and I bobbed and weaved.

We've known each other for over 20 years. He clearly cares. And he only knows me. No divided allegiances. No other relationships to protect. And it's not just him. It's my mother, my sister, my friends, my coworkers. Why is this so hard for me?

Here are some excuses I have used:
- No one can understand RAD parenting unless they've been through it.
- People are hurtful even when they're trying to be helpful and I don't need more hurt.
- I don't have time.
- People don't really want to hear it.
- People will judge me.
- I want to protect her relationships with people.
- There's so much to explain, it's impossible.
- It will make things awkward in our relationship.
- They will keep asking me about my issues and I don't want another person to answer to.
- These folks are my escape - I don't want to have to talk about my crap with them.
- This is what I pay a therapist for.

Here's probably the truth: it's hard. It's so hard. It makes me proud of her. And it reminds me I've got work to do.